remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
