JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
