are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
