genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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