I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Send help, water and tortillas.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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