The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
