next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
