i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
