I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Randomize
