opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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