How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
