Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
