it wasn't lemon gatorade
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
