I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
