if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
