Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
