when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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