i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
