glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
