I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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