Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
