all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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