I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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