Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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