Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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