The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
