My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
