There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
