If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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