I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
