do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
