I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
