What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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