Sry I called you an 8
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i drank out of a bidet.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
