i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
