Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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