how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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