I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
