guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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