New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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