Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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