There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
