Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
