Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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