please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
