The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
