Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
