It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
