I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
