He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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