dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
