Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
