i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
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